Closer, Jon and something I can rely on

1. I like a song called "Closer" by Ne-Yo. It expresses something of how I feel just now.

2. I talked to my good friend Jon in Canada on MSN today. As always he made me feel that the world is even more beautiful than I had noticed.

3. Change is something I can rely on.

4am, fine 4am's and my sunflower

1. Four am is the dead of night really and I was awake this morning from then to see the dawn and lick my wounds. My heart was in a vicious mood. Sad and angry and embarrassed with itself. There is also something very special about 4am. It's a private and lonely time. Mostly the immeadiate world is sleeping, even more unaware of what's around them than during their waking dream. This four am I was pacing about thinking, mulling things over and trying to find some equilibrium. I was feeling desperate and then resolved and then uncertain and then strong. Everything began to seem like a dream. I was tired having had a matter of a very few hours sleep and weepy and lonely. It was a pathetic sight I'm sure. By dawn I was calmer, pacified with tiredness.

2. There have been some pretty fine 4am's. I met with a 4am friend to talk about my woes and get some advice. It was good advice. And having a friend who can say anything to you and who can hear anything you have to say without judgement or prejudice is without comparison.

3. My sunflower flower flowered. It seemed to express the optimism I had lost. Its about nine foot tall and the bright yellowness of it shines out in my yard like a beacon of beautiful joy. Every home should have one. I talked some more, and cried some more and then laughed and giggled and felt my feet touch the ground again.

Pouring rain, a smile and the only certain thing is change

1. Just this moment there seems so little I could find to list as beautiful in me. But that's not what writing this is about, so here is my first beautiful thing: Walking in pouring rain late at night and getting soaked through. I imagine the raindrops are like someone comforting me with the lightest touch when I'm sad. And I'm unusually and unreasonably sad. I am grateful to my friends who continue to be patient with my melancholy and offer their unconditional kindness and love. Thank you.

2. I met the homeless bloke on Stonegate that I came across a couple of weeks ago. He smiled and just about remembered me. I hugged him, he told me his name and he smiled. It was impossible to leave him without regretting my inability to do something to help him through. He generously helped me in a moment of such lowness to carry on and for that I am enormously humbled.

3. A friend who felt he had never been found was able to say that at last he had been. I am happy for him but have to admit to a sadness that something got lost between us as a result. I continue to try to accept that the only certain thing in living is that things will change.

Optimism, the Minster and his reflection

1. I woke up this morning and could think only of one beautiful thing. But I did feel so very much better than for the last couple of days. I really had lost equilibrium. This morning I began to reclaim the infatuated me. It was a confusing day at work. At times it seemed almost too much, but something of the optimism of my waking thought kept me going.

2. I walked through the city this evening and I struck by the beauty of the Minster. I'm often taken by the magnificence of that building. It is always surprising and inspiring.

3. Being able to tell someone you trust your truth is an incredible experience. Owning whats true is liberating. This evening I was talking to my heart, and he knows me, about the past and the present. He described me as his reflection and I could describe him as mine.

Wobbly, beyond 'Monday sickness' and Brokeback Mountain

1. A really good friend was on-line this morning when before I went to work and it was wonderful that there was someone who was kind enough to be say hello. I have been feeling wobbly during the last few days.

2. During the day I felt ill. Beyond 'Monday sickness'. I have no energy and my stomach has been turning and churning like a tumble drier.

3. I watched Brokeback Mountain. Again. I cried. Again. It expresses an experience that resonates. And my early morning friend understands...

Love sick, wasting time and what should I do?

1. The pursuit of three beautiful things has become lost amid a swelling tide of emotions and changes in my life. I cannot help but be honest and report that what is happening in my life is complicated. I have barely been able to eat, I can't sleep and I'm finding it difficult to concentrate. None of this is bad. It's simply different. I'm explaining this because I feel badly that I haven't kept up with this blog. Today I feel sick, perhaps that's fitting. My friend described me as 'love sick' and that's possible.

2. I'm also tired. Tired of wasting time.

3. What should I do? I think I mentioned before that Emma described me as "lost". She was right. So what should I do?

Chiching, golden red and a generous deal

1, Chiching is an activity most of us indulge in a good deal of the time. It is a description of the voice we have inside that commentates on everything in a continuous and unrelenting manner. I used to think that one day it might stop. Perhaps in a moment of Kensho. Chiching has its own beauty when considered compassionately. Some people think that the achievement of Kensho as a step leading to total enlightenment, satori, by recognising that duality is an illusion and that there is no reality to the dialectic battle between wrong and right, good and evil, black and white that we scaffold and construct so completely. Chiching is my constant companion. I’m very grateful to those who have the patience to listen to my chich with compassion.

2. Golden red.

3. Negotiating a generous deal.

Emma and Laura, my cardoon and the first second

1. Emma and Laura are two beautiful human beings without whom my life would cease to be exquisitely rich. This picture was taken at Laura's 22nd birthday party on Saturday. There was a lot of Guitar Hero and smoke machine in Portsmouth, not to mention rain. There was a good deal of rain.

2. My cardoon flowered today and it really is beautiful. It looks something like a gentle blue thistle and an artichoke and it has grown to be about seven foot high and has survived my best attempts at neglect. I took this photograph in the rain.

3. The most wonderful thing said to me today described something beyond the beyond about this next moment of my my life and his "It is the first second of the new millennium to me". I cannot wait to walk in the rain together.

Home, snuggly sentiments and no mountain high enough

1. Getting back to York after what seemed like a long trip to Portsmouth and Oxford made me appreciate home more than ever.

2. I bought The Script album and shared it's snuggly sentiments not quite as secretly as I should have.

3. A conversation made entirely of song titles. "Ain't no mountain high enough...to keep me from you". I could add "ain't no beach long enough..." and so much more.

Shower, something, too

1. Shower the people you love with love
2. Love is recognising something in another person that you have in you
3. Trees need love too

Homeless, piss x and ready to take off

1. On my way in to work this morning I was walking down Goodramgate and a man came towards me, on crutches asking for money and saying that he hadn't eaten for two days. Usually. No that's just stupid, there is no usually. Lets say often. Often in the past have ignored this kind of interaction, or slipped an embarrassed pound coin or bought a copy of Big Issue and scurried off with it. But for some reason I stopped and chatted to this bloke. He told me that he was from York originally and that he'd lost his home to a mean landlord and that he'd moved away but now he was back and homeless. He told me he had a partner, a boyfriend and that they were living in a tent but had been attacked during the night and the tent was slashed. He brought out his wallet and showed me a photograph of his boyfriend. He was definitely cute. And I said so. We had a cigarette together. I tried to give him advice about Arc Light and the Homelessness Prevention Team and the Salvation Army...he'd done all those... I found a two pound coin in my ratty bag and he grinned the most beautiful toothless and optimistic grin. He was a charming, lovely man and I wished I'd found something better for him. But most of all I wished I'd hugged him just for a moment, just to say thank you for stopping and talking to me, just to encourage him to keep going and find something better for him and his boy.

2. I had another text message this morning which made me laugh out loud. It read "its amazing how one letter can alter things. Anywhere would be fantastic with you Dave. Piss x". I did almost wet myself. Of course it wasn't really funny to anyone else but me.

3. Being ready to take off at any moment was once a way of life for me. Recently some of the spirit of that adventurous mind set has returned to me. I have been challenged to consider alternatives I thought might never be offered ever again. The toothless man and the funny text message were two of those chances today. I hope the homeless man and his boyfriend find something good and somewhere to sleep and get on with their lives. I wish I had helped him properly but I didn't. The text message was full of wit and happiness and its compliment irrisisitable and flattering. I hope its true, I know that anywhere would be fantastic with you. Tugs oxo.

Allan, out of the blue and green tea ice cream

1. It was Allan's birthday today. We sat and watched him open his presents and admired his cards and the witty messages. We have been best friends for exactly ten years to the day. I gave him a new stripy shirt and some books and a pair of hideous slippers. The slippers turned out to be a little bit small. It was especially lovely to see him be happy and contented. Without his kindness, generosity and patience I would not have the good fortune to be having the amount of fun I'm having just now. He has encouraged me to look beyond the attachments I have treasured and to let some of them just go and leave me for good.

2. As if this wasn't sufficient I received a couple of text messages which were mind-blowing. The first said "I feel like doing something out of the blue with you" and the second seemed to suggest something so humongous and wonderful that I immediately and without second thought replied "OK".

3. I have spent the day in pretty constant pain. My back, which seems to have a weakness these days when I play too hard, has been having a stress since Saturday's happiness's. This evening we went to supper in town and drank Chinese beers and laughed and talked about Belgium. It was fun and distracted me from the pain. Green tea ice cream at the indochine restaurant was subtle and delicately flavoured and combined perfectly with the fabulously gaudy deep fried toffied bananas. The pain subsided a bit and Allan had his birthday tea and all was well in the world.

Chocolate Hotel, 360 degrees and cranachan

1. It seemed to take all morning for me to get ready to go out for a stroll around town with Emma. Eventually I got myself together and despite an outrageously sore back we wandered about, arm in arm, giggling and searching for birthday presents for Allan. We went to Chocolate Hotel on Coney Street. It is a chain of course but for a chocoholic it would be heaven. As we went in we were offered the most wonderful Turkish Delight I can remember eating. I'm not really that keen usually. I'm still recovering from a childhood of Fry's offering which was grim red stuff covered in indifferent chocolate. This stuff was very delicate. The store is filled with a pretty impressive selection of chocolate and Emma found the gift she was looking for with very little trouble.

2. Staying with the shopping theme, I like this website York 360 which is series of visitor pages with some reasonable recommendations and great panoramic photographs of the city. It's a beautifully produced site that is definitely worth consulting.

3. Emma made a fabulous sweet for after our supper this evening. Cranachan with fresh raspberries inspired by a recipe in Jason Atherton's book Maze. It is a traditional Scottish pudding which I first had somewhere near Stoor on the northwest coast of Scotland. Emma used what remained of some Baileys instead of malt whisky and it was a pretty good substitution.

Sally Oldfield, Fairburn Ings and Bridget Jone's Diary

1. My friend picked me up this morning from the station and the first song playing on his stereo sounded very familiar. It was Sally Oldfield singing a song from her first album "Water Bearer". I don't quite remember the track probably Mirrors. It was a bit of a magical moment of when the record first came out and today the song he played was a beautiful introduction to an outstanding visit with an exceptional human being.

2. After an intense morning locked in an intimate inter locution we went for a walk around the RSPB Fairburn Ings nature reserve. We strolled, literally around the whole park, which is a recovered coal mine site. It has large ponds and open reserve areas with an incredible flora of common wildflowers and lots of birds and their twitcher fans. The weather was glorious and blue and sunny. It was a carefree few hours of lovely company and happy scenery. I felt blissfully happy and calm.When we got to the village of Fairburn my ingenious interlocutor took me to a little art emporium The Wild Goose Gallery. The bloke in there was very keen and friendly. We looked around making considerate comments about the paintings and objects. It was very sweet. Not my taste at all but entertaining nevertheless. We completed the circuit by walking along the road me in the lead to protect my woosie friend from oncoming vehicles and singing (not so very well) songs from the shows. It was a fine day spent with a very fine human being. My heart as always beating full and optimistically.

3. Emma and I needed a 'chick flick' this evening probably for very different reasons to get us through those feelings you can't quite talk about but which have to be processed somehow. When my friend returned me home after the lovely experience in Fairburn it was a wrench to say goodbye. It felt as though the day should have continued forever. I was tired and emotional. Emma and I watched the movie "Bridget Jone's Diary" together snuggled up on the couch with supper on plates and laughing and a little bit tearful now and again recognising how very stupid and happy it is to be in love. We must have seen this particular film a few times together, we probably always laugh at the same places and I probably get all gulpy when the Gabrielle song comes up. It was the predictably and comfortingly the same today, making BJD a definite beautiful thing to be savoured for a variety of unconditional reasons.

Friday, JustGiving and a few pages glued together

1. Friday is always an exciting prospect. I got up this morning hoping some of the rotten things that have happened over the last few days had been a bad dream. I looked to see if things had changed but they had not. All the usual stuff happened. Bacon sandwiches, discussions about the forthcoming weekend, speculation about Big Brother evictions and discussion about colleagues and work pals. I can trust Fridays to be the last of the week's effort. I have the prospect of some exciting moments for this weekend and especially to see and spend some moments with my good friend, Laughing Man. What was once a kindness now seems like an unkindness. I miss something, made up of that that big empty unreasonable space that I find impossible to fill.

2. Lawrence Lennon is a person who works at City of York Council. This boy is doing a sponsored parachute jump for Marie Curie Cancer Care. I don't very often get drawn to requests for sponsorship from people I don't know. I don't know this lad, but he seems to be brave, and that's inspiration for me. I'd encourage my friends and family to give him support in his adventurous quest. You can donate to his fundraising web page an keep up -to-date with him on line. Go to JustGiving and donate a sum of any value now. His jump is on September 13 at Bridlington. Good luck. Just do it!

3. We all have a few pages glued together. Sometimes I wish that wasn't as true as it turns out it is. My book is full of words but they don't all make sense. I read whole paragraphs which really don't seem to have any sense and lack confidence and fairness. Doesn't seem to be any way to make it better. I wish there was.