A sandwich, accidents and the fear of loosing something beautiful

1. In anticipation of the Channel Four Dispatches programme to be shown on television this evening I went to Pret a Manger and had a Chicken and Avocado sandwich. It was awesome. The programme was perhaps a bit predictable and it wasn't that much of a surprise that there's a lot of crap and salt and fat and poor production in shop bought sandwiches. Also in anticipation of shock I made a homemade sandwich which would have been a delight to eat if I hadn't wanted a last hurrah! at Pret. I gave mine to my friend at work, her need was definitely greater than mine. So from now on its a beautiful homemade sandwich for me on workdays.

2. A good conversation about the meaning of life or the lack of meaning to life is worth a lot. The idea that everything has a purpose or that nature (whatever that is) has a goal is an illusion I came to recognise a while back. I used to believe that there was a meaning in everything, that all manifestations were part of a grand and omniscient plan. I used to believe in the axiom "There are no accidents". Now I wonder if there are only accidents, beautiful undefinable collisions of chemical particles that we can't comprehend the origin of. Sometimes something can be said accidentally that can change everything about how we understand each others intentions and actions. It is easy to panic and try to make an explanation there and then. To describe things from the gut reaction and to find some reasoning which will make it all seem good or account for why it all seems so bad. Today I began to step back a little from the panic. It wasn't successful, but I tried.

3. The third wonderful thing of the day is that just sometimes someone tries not to lie. That's an extraordinary feat. It seems almost impossible. There always seems to be something to protect. It may be another illusion of course. What seems worth doing almost anything to hide may simply turn out to have been an illusion anyway. I was challenged today to tell the truth. I wondered what that could mean. I wasn't convinced I knew what would be the truth. Is there ever a way to describe an event objectively? Scientists think they can by repeating conditions exactly and taking note of specific measures over and over until there is a negative or positive correlation. It's not so simple with emotional events. Suppose you felt you had been compromised by the indiscretion of a friend. How could you describe the experience objectively? There would be your experience, your friends experience and the experience of those to whom your friend had compromised you with. Its complicated, there's nothing obviously objective that everyone would agree to. But the commitment to not lie about your experience is a step forward. Someone asked me something like did I think the Earth had a chance of surviving? I used to always have a positive response to this question and now I still do. I think probably not. The 'world' as we know it is fucked. It's going into decline. It's a collision of circumstances, neither wrong nor right, especially not those particular two human constructions. The only human construction that counts for anything in me just now is the challenge not to lie. I think I'm making a reasoned attempt, but in the process I fear I'll loose something beautiful...