A cigarette, Nush and Selam Lasma

1. I passed the final module of ECDL this morning and I felt elated and exhausted all at once. When I came back I stood out on the roadside with Cindy and it was a lovely moment. My legs were shaking and I was just so happy to be alive. She very kindly obliged me with a cigarette which is something I would not normally consider. But the combination of the test on the stupid Access programme and the lost chunks of emotion which have been ripped out of me over the last few days took their toll. I was a gibbering wreck. Last night I had a long and (for me) difficult conversation with a 'friend' online. He gave me some pretty harsh feedback. Mostly that he felt I had been cruel to him in an unnecessary way. I've been over this already earlier in the week. He also described me as well low. And for some of today I thought he was probably right. Tonight I could cry I feel so miserable except that if I do it'll just draw even more attention to my vacuousness. So I'm feeling sorry for myself. Get over it Dave. The cigarette was lovely though.

2. I found my old friend Nush. Thank you universe...I have missed her. We were walking through Parliament Street and there she was, all washed out and tired and trying to explain where she had been. I don't care its just wonderful to find her again. I would have called her this evening but the emotional dramas just will not stop.

3. Selam Lasma! Nothing is going to adequately explain this one. But tonight I felt I was really honest with someone. It was horrible of course and not at all what he wanted to hear, I don't think. And as a result I doubt I'll ever hear from him again...and although this sounds corny, I'm heartbroken. Another 'friend' said he has three life rules and when I think about each of them they are reasonable and probably true. His three rules broke something too. Beautiful is not something you can easily describe in word. You can of course have beautiful words...but if I accept my friends three rules then perhaps even beauty is doubtful.