Closer, Jon and something I can rely on

1. I like a song called "Closer" by Ne-Yo. It expresses something of how I feel just now.

2. I talked to my good friend Jon in Canada on MSN today. As always he made me feel that the world is even more beautiful than I had noticed.

3. Change is something I can rely on.

4am, fine 4am's and my sunflower

1. Four am is the dead of night really and I was awake this morning from then to see the dawn and lick my wounds. My heart was in a vicious mood. Sad and angry and embarrassed with itself. There is also something very special about 4am. It's a private and lonely time. Mostly the immeadiate world is sleeping, even more unaware of what's around them than during their waking dream. This four am I was pacing about thinking, mulling things over and trying to find some equilibrium. I was feeling desperate and then resolved and then uncertain and then strong. Everything began to seem like a dream. I was tired having had a matter of a very few hours sleep and weepy and lonely. It was a pathetic sight I'm sure. By dawn I was calmer, pacified with tiredness.

2. There have been some pretty fine 4am's. I met with a 4am friend to talk about my woes and get some advice. It was good advice. And having a friend who can say anything to you and who can hear anything you have to say without judgement or prejudice is without comparison.

3. My sunflower flower flowered. It seemed to express the optimism I had lost. Its about nine foot tall and the bright yellowness of it shines out in my yard like a beacon of beautiful joy. Every home should have one. I talked some more, and cried some more and then laughed and giggled and felt my feet touch the ground again.

Pouring rain, a smile and the only certain thing is change

1. Just this moment there seems so little I could find to list as beautiful in me. But that's not what writing this is about, so here is my first beautiful thing: Walking in pouring rain late at night and getting soaked through. I imagine the raindrops are like someone comforting me with the lightest touch when I'm sad. And I'm unusually and unreasonably sad. I am grateful to my friends who continue to be patient with my melancholy and offer their unconditional kindness and love. Thank you.

2. I met the homeless bloke on Stonegate that I came across a couple of weeks ago. He smiled and just about remembered me. I hugged him, he told me his name and he smiled. It was impossible to leave him without regretting my inability to do something to help him through. He generously helped me in a moment of such lowness to carry on and for that I am enormously humbled.

3. A friend who felt he had never been found was able to say that at last he had been. I am happy for him but have to admit to a sadness that something got lost between us as a result. I continue to try to accept that the only certain thing in living is that things will change.

Optimism, the Minster and his reflection

1. I woke up this morning and could think only of one beautiful thing. But I did feel so very much better than for the last couple of days. I really had lost equilibrium. This morning I began to reclaim the infatuated me. It was a confusing day at work. At times it seemed almost too much, but something of the optimism of my waking thought kept me going.

2. I walked through the city this evening and I struck by the beauty of the Minster. I'm often taken by the magnificence of that building. It is always surprising and inspiring.

3. Being able to tell someone you trust your truth is an incredible experience. Owning whats true is liberating. This evening I was talking to my heart, and he knows me, about the past and the present. He described me as his reflection and I could describe him as mine.

Wobbly, beyond 'Monday sickness' and Brokeback Mountain

1. A really good friend was on-line this morning when before I went to work and it was wonderful that there was someone who was kind enough to be say hello. I have been feeling wobbly during the last few days.

2. During the day I felt ill. Beyond 'Monday sickness'. I have no energy and my stomach has been turning and churning like a tumble drier.

3. I watched Brokeback Mountain. Again. I cried. Again. It expresses an experience that resonates. And my early morning friend understands...

Love sick, wasting time and what should I do?

1. The pursuit of three beautiful things has become lost amid a swelling tide of emotions and changes in my life. I cannot help but be honest and report that what is happening in my life is complicated. I have barely been able to eat, I can't sleep and I'm finding it difficult to concentrate. None of this is bad. It's simply different. I'm explaining this because I feel badly that I haven't kept up with this blog. Today I feel sick, perhaps that's fitting. My friend described me as 'love sick' and that's possible.

2. I'm also tired. Tired of wasting time.

3. What should I do? I think I mentioned before that Emma described me as "lost". She was right. So what should I do?

Chiching, golden red and a generous deal

1, Chiching is an activity most of us indulge in a good deal of the time. It is a description of the voice we have inside that commentates on everything in a continuous and unrelenting manner. I used to think that one day it might stop. Perhaps in a moment of Kensho. Chiching has its own beauty when considered compassionately. Some people think that the achievement of Kensho as a step leading to total enlightenment, satori, by recognising that duality is an illusion and that there is no reality to the dialectic battle between wrong and right, good and evil, black and white that we scaffold and construct so completely. Chiching is my constant companion. I’m very grateful to those who have the patience to listen to my chich with compassion.

2. Golden red.

3. Negotiating a generous deal.